The target audience for this article is anyone who is considering going to the gym as their New Year resolution. If you already go to the gym on a regular disciplined cadence, then you can laugh along.
I have been going to the gym for about twenty years. That means I have suffered through at least twenty stints of New Year gym resolutionists coming into my gym and making my life miserable for about three months or less time. I genuinely despise the casual gym goer. I am going to explain inflammatory statements like that one and then provide suggestions on how to not fail pathetically at going to the gym like so many of you are going to do. If you haven’t noticed yet, this is not going to be an encouraging article. My goal isn’t to get more people to go to the gym. My goal is to keep filthy casuals OUT of the gym. Casual gym goers are annoying and just get in the way of the person who is taking it seriously.
Why you are going to fail at your resolution
I have watched gaggles of people come into the gym, year after new year, with all of their goddamned enthusiasm and the obnoxious “I am the only thing that matters” attitudes. Then, like clockwork, they stop showing up around the three month mark at most. Some fail earlier around two weeks. Some fail after a month. The point is if you stick around after three months, you might actually succeed. This brings us to the first reason why you are going to fail:
1. You are not serious about this
People get fire in their veins after being complete pigs during the winter holidays and they become too confident in their lack of discipline. They get all fired up, psych themselves out and being to plan their inevitable failure. They sign up for a gym membership and say to themselves, “Every day after work, I am going to the gym!” And thus begins the three month timer. All of a sudden after the first two weeks, you are tired and you would rather stay home tonight. “What if I skip just tonight? That’s okay right?” and so you skip a day of the gym. One day becomes two. Soon you skip a whole week because some shit happened at work keeping you from the gym. Eventually, the gym becomes a distant memory. Sounds like to me you weren’t serious about this. Thanks for paying the gym I guess?
2. It’s easier to not go
It’s way more comfortable to stay home, in your sweat pants and become one with the couch while you watch television in a vegetative state. “Why do I need to go to the gym anyhow? It takes a lot of time and I am tired after work. I don’t have the energy. I deserve to rest.”, you say to yourself. Then you use your finisher, “I’ll go later”, but later never comes.
3. You will fail in large groups as one big failure
“Hey guys! Wouldn’t it be great if we all get went to the gym as a group after work?”, your work bestie advertises to you and your co-worker clique. “Yeah! This way we can stay motivated!”, one co-worker says. “I like working out as a group!”, says another. You all start your week long adventure. This is great, you can complain about work while at the gym instead of paying attention to what you are doing. Since you are in a group and all friendly, there isn’t a leader, so deciding what the group is going to do takes longer than it should. Eventually the cadence deteriorates and some of your group has to miss a day, “Oh well if they aren’t going, I am not going.” another of the group says. Eventually the whole group has timing conflicts and they stop meeting all together. Congratulations, you have failed as a big dumb group.
4. You don’t know what you are doing
You go to the gym and you start using some of the machines. You don’t know why you are using the machine, but it feels like the right thing to do. After a few weeks of aimless work, you don’t see any results and you start to become demotivated. Eventually, going to the gym just feels like a pointless chore. Your dissatisfaction becomes an anxiety of going to the gym. You just stop going because you don’t know what you are doing and you didn’t even bother trying to learn.
5. You are intimidated by the other gym goers
Every time you enter the gym, you feel like you are being judged. You think people are staring at you while you are working out. You see people making faces at you while you struggle to figure out how to use a machine. You ask someone who looks knowledgeable for help and they don’t give you the time of day. To add insult to injury, they are incredibly rude to you and instead of answering your question, they answer your question with a question to demonstrate you don’t know anything about fitness. You are scared off by the senior gym goers and you don’t return because you don’t like how they made you feel.
How to succeed
Congratulations! If you are still reading then maybe you actually give some assemblance of a shit to try. I’m not here to make you feel better about going to the gym. I would rather people who are not serious about it STAY OUT. So if you don’t like what you are reading then GOOD! STAY OUT OF MY GYM THEN!
In order to succeed at the gym you have to understand these hard truths.
Newbies are annoying (yes you)
Serious gym goers get annoyed with newbies because you are ANNOYING. However, likewise, you cannot let those people intimidate you. Therefore, lesson one is: It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks about you, fuck them, you are going to the gym FOR YOU not for THEM or their approval. The reason you are considered an annoying git is because you are new and if you review the first part of this article it clearly shows that resolutionists are flakey idiots who get in the way. Don’t show up unless you are serious about this, otherwise you are an annoyance who is getting in the way. I don’t want people using equipment I need so they can do stupid crap they saw some “influencer” on TikTok do.
Serious gym goers like to get in the gym and get out for the most part. No serious gym patron I know is there because they want to be. They are there because they understand how important it is and it’s a part of their life, not a hobby.
Never give up!
This leads us into the most important lesson, “Never give up!” If you plan on giving up, then please, I am asking nicely, don’t even bother stepping into a gym. You are using equipment and taking up space from the more dedicated patrons. Now, if you are serious about doing this, then you are not allowed to give up. I don’t care how tired you are or how bad your day at work was – your gym schedule CANNOT be disrupted just like you are not allowed to miss days of work unless you are sick.
Congratulations, you are allowed to have bad gym days. A bad gym day is when you go to the gym and your heart is not in it. This is still a victory though, because you still went and you went through the motions. Now if every session is a half hearted session, then you are not serious about the gym and you should leave until you can be serious. The only person you are hurting is yourself.
You are going to encounter rude people. Some are more rude than others. Well guess what? Get over it. You are going to have to toughen up. Speak loudly and clearly with intent to other members. It helps. An example of this is if you are not sure if a piece of equipment is being used and someone is standing next to it, then point at the equipment and say in a clear loud voice, “Hey man, are you using this?” If someone looks at you funny when you ask, they are the one with the problem not you.
Grumpy rude people
I used to be very annoyed with the body builders and power lifters in my earlier gym career. They were very unpleasant, rude, curt and aggressive. I later realize that the reason they were like this is because too many of the people going to the gym were filthy casuals who are annoying because they don’t take the gym seriously. Those body builders and power lifters are very serious about what they are doing; and if someone is getting between them and their gains, they are going to be upset. They could be nicer about it, but it gets grating at times. Also if you look intimidating, people usually stay away out of fear.
I recommend you just stay away from the body builders and power lifters. They have a very strict schedule they stick to. Also don’t get too close to the power lifters they might actually eat you.
Put yourself in their shoes. Use an activity you love for this example. Now imagine if you see someone with a half hearted interest performing your favorite activity badly. Additionally, you cannot perform your activity at all until that person is finished. It gets very frustrating over time to watch this happen for three months at a time. You start to get testy with those people because they are being a git.
Don’t act like working out is a choice
I really detest when people treat working out like it’s optional. There are people out there who are fortunately blessed with incredible and resilient genetics. Those people are far and few in between. If you are reading this article, you are not that person I am sure. Therefore, don’t act like working out is a choice. It’s not a fucking hobby. Working out is part of your life. As you get older, your body starts to betray you more and more. If you are someone like me, your body has been betraying you since birth, so it wasn’t a shock when you started to gain a ton of weight for seemingly no reason after the age of twenty-four.
You have to get it through your thick skull that working out is mandatory or you will die.
That’s not hyperbole. I’m dead ass serious. If you do not work out, you will borrow health trouble and you get closer to death than you need to be. How about just don’t then? Don’t believe me? Need some examples? No problem! Happy to share!
Examples of people who thought it was a choice and died
I have plenty of examples of this, but I don’t think I need more than two.
- My father died at 59. He was more concerned with devoting time to his religion than he was to taking care of the body god lent him. I’m not religious at all, but he was and he broke one of god’s rules. You are supposed to take care of the vessel god lends you. Well he failed miserably. He failed by eating a disproportionate amount of carbohydrates and low protein diet. He was about 300+ pounds and earned diabetes type 2. If that wasn’t enough he had high blood pressure and high cholesterol too. The stupid son of a bitch couldn’t be bothered to go for a walk, he was too busy praying in his free time. A lot of good that praying did. It didn’t stop his first heart attack or the stroke that finally killed him a year later. Not smart. Don’t be like him. It was a giant middle finger to my family and me; who he left in his wake.
- Very recently, this year in 2024, a dear friend of mine, who I wish I knew better, died. He died in his sleep from sleep apnea. He was over 450 pounds. He gained congestive heart failure and was retaining an incredible amount of water as a result (edema). Another friend of mine did his best to coach him and get him out of this rut. Well unfortunately self-sabotage and depression got the better of him and it defeated him. I will miss him very much, he was only 40. He was far too young.
I hope that was sufficiently depressing for you to read. Maybe you have your own stories and this is the kick in the ass you need to wake up. I warned you, this is not a feel good article. Again, if you are not serious about this, then stay out of the gym and go die. Leave room for people want to stay alive in the gym please.
Form the good habit
I will explain to you how to get started with your gym going experience, it’s easy:
- Sign up for a gym.
- Please don’t go to Pizza Planet (Planet Fitness) they are a joke of a gym.
- Go buy yourself some work out clothing. Get three sets at a minimum. When I say this, I mean real work out clothing not an old cotton T-Shirt and random shorts. Get the right equipment for the job:
- polyester workout shirt
- cotton jersey athletic shorts
- dedicated workout shoes, preferably of the running variety
- cotton towel for sweating
- Start your new gym schedule on a Monday – the time is entirely up to you
- Go to the gym
- Pick three machines
- Do three sets of ten on each machine
- When finished with your machines do 30 minutes on the treadmill, use whatever settings you want I don’t care
- Do this three days a week
- Each of those three days, choose three different machines
- You may repeat use machines on the following week
- Congratulations this is your starter gym schedule
For the love of god and all that is holy, this is just to get you started. This is hardly enough, but the point is YOU are responsible for YOUR success. You need to dive into this and get familiar. After that first month, you should be familiar with your equipment and you should want to keep increasing your challenge.
How do I know if I am doing enough
If you aren’t sweating, you are probably not doing enough. If it’s not hard, then what’s the point?
What happens when I don’t want to go to the gym?
Unless you are sick, that’s not an option. Too bad, grow up. Here’s a trick I use when I don’t want to go to the gym:
- Say to yourself, “Man I really don’t want to go to them gym.”
- Put on your socks.
- Say to yourself, “Man I really don’t want to go to them gym.”
- Put on your shorts.
- Say to yourself, “Man I really don’t want to go to them gym.”
- Put on your shirt.
- Say to yourself, “Man I really don’t want to go to them gym.”
- Put on your shoes.
- Say to yourself, “Man I really don’t want to go to them gym.”
- Get your gym bag.
- Say to yourself, “Man I really don’t want to go to them gym.”
- Get your car keys.
- Say to yourself, “Man I really don’t want to go to them gym.”
- Get in your car and turn on the engine, drive to the gym, get out of the car.
- Say to yourself, “Man I really don’t want to go to them gym.”
- Walk into the gym and start your routine.
- Say to yourself, “I’m so glad that’s over.”
- Drive home and do whatever you want I don’t care now that you went to the gym.
This trick works every time.
Don’t do gym groups
I strongly recommend you DO NOT workout in a group. Gym groups almost always fail, they have like a 99% failure rate in my opinion. The excuse of, “Oh well they didn’t show up, I guess I won’t work out today” is a self-sabotage cop out and you are to blame if you do this, not your group members. If you insist on working out in a group, then you are responsible for your own success, not the group. That means if you have a flaky group holding you back, you need to keep your gym schedule regardless.
I have watched large cliques of stupid people fail every year. Sometimes it’s actually amusing, especially the large cliques of women in their make-up, fake hair and long nails. They stand around and talk. Standing around and talking is called hanging out, not working out – so they are failing live. Just because you are standing in the gym, does not mean you are losing weight. Watching a troupe of bros fail is funny too. I have seen five 35 to 40 something-year-olds all stand around one guy doing curls on the preacher curl bench. Okay so one person is working out and the rest are taking a break? This isn’t efficient, it’s pointless and infuriating to anyone who wants to use that bench next because they have to wait for these idiots to all make their three set rounds. I am happy to report that in both of these instances these people all stopped showing up. Good riddance.
Whenever someone says to me, “Hey do you want to work out together?”, unless you are my coach the answer is going to be no. Frankly I don’t give a shit if you like that answer because I am not going to let anyone mess up my workout. I am too serious and invested in my health to let someone else’s ego get in the way. This is not a hangout session. Grow up.
Make your body crave the gym
When you go to the gym, even if you don’t want to be there, you need to take this as the opportunity to clear your mind. Had a bad day at work? Got into an argument with someone? Put that energy into lifting heavy stuff and putting it back down again. You will see how quickly you forget about your day when you are concentrating on your form and putting in the work to condition your body. Eventually, when you don’t go to the gym, you will get antsy and start to crave the gym. You will start to crave the outlet. That’s a good habit to form.
My gym career
This is just a little about me and my experience with the gym if you are curious.
I, like so many, had no idea what I was doing when I went to the gym. My first gym membership was paid for by my then girlfriend and now wife. I was in college and I was gaining a lot of weight, the so called “freshman 15”. So my then girlfriend was so sweet and got me a gym membership because I couldn’t afford one on my zero income. I started going on my off days from college. I had no clue what I was doing, but what I did was start with cardio. I used every machine until I learned which I liked and which I didn’t. I hate cardio.
Eventually, I moved over to strength training and I used the same approach. I went up to every machine, read the diagrams and performed the motions. I eventually worked my way through every single machine until I got bored with it.
This story is actually much longer, but this will be the abridged version to stay on topic.
Then I moved over to free weights. I worked through every free weight until I maxed it out at 90 pound dumbbells (180 pounds with two hands).
I moved to using flat bench to go beyond the 180 limit and I am currently at 215 pounds. I am aiming for 225. I have a shoulder impingement which is making it harder to advance.
I got into power lifting and I adopted the three main lifts:
- Flat bench
- Squats
- Deadlifts
As of 09/14/2024 – the time of writing this post. These are my numbers:
| Exercise | Weight (lbs) | Set | Reps |
|---|---|---|---|
| Flat bench | 215 | 3 | 6 |
| Incline bench | 215 | 3 | 6 |
| Squats | 375 | 3 | 6 |
| Deadlifts | 375 | 3 | 6 |
| Rack pulls | 405 | 3 | 6 |
| Lying leg curls | 180 (max) | 3 | 8 |
| Leg Adductor | 180 (max) | 2 | 30 |
| Leg Abbductor | 180 (max) | 2 | 30 |
| Lat pull down | 231 | 3 | 8 |
| Seated cable row | 231 | 3 | 8 |
| Pectoral fly | 200 | 3 | 8 |
| Shrugs | 335 | 3 | 8 |
| Cable overhead tricep extension | 99 | 3 | 6 |
- I am 5 foot 11 inches tall
- I have size 13″ feet
- My weight has ranged from as low as 200 pounds all the way to 285. I am currently 247 and I am aiming to get to 230 as a comfortable weight. For what I am able to lift, I think am doing just fine in the weight department because the BMI is a load of ancient bullshit and needs to be discarded. Doctors have body shamed me for my weight my whole life – they are useless.
- I have the following unhelpful ailments:
- Flat feet
- I use carbon fiber orthotic inserts in my shoes for the weight that I lift
- Hypothyroidism (thyroid disease)
- My metabolism is nonexistent so getting fat is easy.
- A rare lung disease known as hyper-active airway disease (also known as intrinsic asthma)
- I basically cannot breath most of the time. I have episodes where I cannot breath at all depending on sudden extreme temperature changes. Example: Walking from airconditioned 75*F house to outside 90*F humid heat.
- Obstructive sleep apnea
- I stop breathing in my sleep. This has happened to me three times in my life and it’s absolutely terrifying when you are lucky enough to wake up gasping for air.
- I use an APAP every day so it keeps me alive while sleeping.
- Bradycardia
- My heart rate can drop to 50 bpm.
- Sometimes my blood pressure is very low too. I can go down to 105/70 or lower sometimes.
- there is more to this list, but these are what are relevant
- Flat feet
So with all of the aforementioned ailments where my body’s metabolism is shot, my body wants to kill me in my sleep, my body doesn’t want me to breath and my heart beats too slowly – I can lift 405 pounds with little effort. What’s your fucking excuse for not going to the gym again?
- If you are going to take the gym seriously, then go be a pain in the ass of everyone fighting over equipment.
- If you are not going to take it seriously then please stay out. Happy new year.
Thumbnail generated with CoPilot